The (highly unscientific, grossly subjective, undoubtedly correct) Bond Awards

WHY DO THIS? Why watch every Bond film (most more than once) and choose our favourite villain? Our favourite actors, our favourite ties, our favourite terry cloth robe? What’s there to be gained from calling a meeting or several to hash out the best of the best? Wouldn’t it just start fights amongst us and then fights among the readers? (Yes, knockdown, drag-out ones, and we shall see.)

Why? Because we’re obsessives. We don’t need a why. We just so happen to like conch chowder. But in celebration of 007’s 70th anniversary, we’re honoring the best of Bond. Pull up a martini and join us, won’t you?

Coolest Car

We’ll start with the category that arguably makes Bond Bond. But it’s also a tough one. The Lotus Esprit from The Spy Who Loved Me? What about that sick Toyota Land Cruiser from No Time to Die? After spirited debate we had to hand it to Timothy Dalton’s Aston Martin V8 Vantage Volante in The Living Daylights. It was Bond’s first real muscle car, in 1987, and for that it will always reign supreme in our hearts.

Most Ridiculous Gadget

And who would Bond be without his gadgets? Not on this couch, at any rate. We give it to the attack couch from Living Daylights. Rare is the 007 item we don’t want to cop, but this one we could live without.

Best Boat

The Spirit 54 sailing yacht sailed into Venice by Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. Bon voyage, friend.

Lamest Car

No competition. The Ford Edge (no offense???) from Quantum of Solace.

Worst Pickup Line

While we’re on the subject of lameness, the winner here is, regarding a bowl of chowder eaten by the swimming pool in Thunderball: In answer to the reasonable comment that “Mr. Bond, that’s not much of an aphrodisiac,” Bond replies: “I just so happen to like conch chowder.”

Most Fun Bond to Spend the Weekend With

Roger Moore. We will not be explaining this choice further.

Best Bond to Go on a Bender With

Daniel Craig’s Bond has the two ingredients that perhaps make for the best bender: a sense of a humor and streak of darkness.

Best Facial Scruff

Although perhaps best enjoyed after a bender with Daniel Craig, we’re forced to give it Pierce Brosnan convalescing in the hospital in Die Another Day.

Best Tuxedo

In the opening sequence of Dr. No, Sean Connery shows up in his first ever frame as Bond wearing a midnight blue dinner suit (as the Brits call it). No one ever looked back.

Best Watch

Another win for Dr. No: Bond’s Rolex Submariner.

Best Suit

Connery’s silver-grEy two-piece in You Only Live Twice.

Best Tie

In most Connery movies, Bond can be seen wearing a navy wool knit tie. We could not possibly choose just one.

Best Casual Outfit

We promised a terry cloth onesie, didn’t we? Congrats to Sean Connery in the terry cloth onesie in Goldfinger.

Best Swimsuit

Let’s give it up for Daniel Craig’s in Casino Royale. as he comes out of the water in Nassau.

Best Accessory

In From Russia With Love, 007 can be seen carrying a black Swaine Adeney Brigg red-lined briefcase with hidden ammo snipers rifle, dagger and strip of gold sovereigns. No, you cannot shop the look.

Best Shoes

Daniel Craig’s Camberly style double monk boots worn in Spectre.

Best Hawaiian Shirt

This is a category that had a surprising number of contenders, but we were forced to hand it not to Bond, but to Q in Dr. No.

Best Pair of Pyjamas

If one must find a dead Shirley Eaton painted gold in one’s bed, one could do worse than in Bond’s nailhead cotton piped robe worn in Goldfinger.

Best Chase Scene

You thought we’d choose one involving a car, didn’t you? No, the award goes to the bobsled sequence from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

Most Improbable Stunt

Improbability is not a knock against the winner in this category. It’s not even just a part of the fun. This category underlines how much the point of Bond is the cheesiness, the unlikeliness, and the artlessness that makes it art. When the man skydives into an empty plane in Goldeneye, you’re not watching for tips. You are not trying to be this man. The point and pleasure is that you can’t be.

Best Scene Involving Skis

The opening of The Spy Who Loved Me. Another category that had more contenders than you’d think.

Best Underwater Scene

Congratulations to the final battle scene with scuba divers wrestling in Thunderball.

Best Explosion

Ok, just…just watch it.

Best Use of a Laser

When Goldfinger goes for Bond’s junk with a laser.

Best Opening Sequence

We’re giving it up for Goldeneye. Like so much of what that film achieved, it cemented the canon.

Best Bond Song

This is a category worthy of some debate and indeed we had it. Fists were pounded, tears were shed, paeans were sung to Adele. But “Live and Let Die” by Paul McCartney and Wings took the cake.

Best Subplot

What would a movie be without its subplots? At the end of Moonraker, Jaws and his girlfriend end up in space. We love to see love win, even if it’s the villain. Which brings us to…

Best Torture Scene

Poor 007. Tortured at the hands of Mads Mikkelson in Casino Royale. This one was a no-brainer for its involvement of Bond’s balls.

Would-Be Assassination Plot With the Worst Follow-Through

We admit that Bond is a worthy opponent in the escape category but sometimes the villains make his job too easy. Such as here, in Dr. No, when a tarantula is set up in bed to poison our hero, then, we guess, walks away assuming it will all go according to plan.

Best Bond Girl

We call them Bond women now, and the winner is Halle Berry as Jinx in Die Another Day.

Best Name for a Bond Girl

Pussy Galore.

Worst Name for a Bond Girl

Pussy Galore.

Best Name for a Character

Plenty O’Toole. This was also considered for an alternate category: Worst

Best Q

Ah, our beloved Desmond Lewelyn. Who else?

Best Henchman

A brief ode to Oddjob: “Oh, you must excuse Oddjob, Mr. Bond,” says the titular supervillain in 1964’s Goldfinger, introducing 007 to his menacing caddy before a round of golf. “He’s an admirable manservant, but mute.” Indeed, Oddjob is the strong, silent type — a powerfully built Korean whose verbal communication is limited to the occasional grunt. He may not have had a way with words, but the burly, besuited lackey set the standard for all Bond henchmen to follow with his loyalty, versatility, and intimidating physical presence. Oddjob lives up to his name by serving his boss, the bullion-obsessed Auric Goldfinger, as everything from chauffeur to bodyguard to assassin. Yes, he’s scary. But as played by bodybuilder and wrestler-turned-actor Harold Sakata, Oddjob also has a bit of flair. There’s the sadistic smile he flashes as he crushes a golf ball in his bare hand, for example, or when he effortlessly tosses Bond across the floor of Fort Knox. Even his signature weapon — a razor-rimmed bowler hat that he throws like a frisbee to decapitate his victims — marries terrifying with a touch of class. In the end, however, that same hat plays a role in his shocking death. – Brian O’Keefe

Best Henchwoman

The award goes to Grace Jones as May Day from A View to Kill.

Best Villain

It’s Red Grant from From Russia With Love.

Best Bond

The big one. We’ve been here before. It pained us then and it pains us now to put Pierce Brosnan last. But since our editor-in-chief Michael Sebastian bestowed this award upon Roger Moore, in 2021, we’ve had a change of heart/mutiny depending on who on the Esquire staff you ask. Today we give it to the man who secured “cool” as the first adjective anyone associates with 007: Mr. Sean Connery.

Best Bond Film

One does not lightly choose the best of the twenty-seven Bond films. And yet what would this list be without crowning one of them king? Tell us below why we’re all wrong about Goldfinger.

This article originally appeared on Esquire US.